Treasures in a Drawer for a Little Helper

October 28, 1984           Laura is 7 months old

Some friends came to supper.  It was a good supper--roast beef cooked in the slow cooker making it remarkably tender, mashed potatoes, gravy, etc.  But it resulted in quite a stack of dishes.

Laura preferred not to remain in the living room alone so I strapped her in the high chair and set her beside me to watch.  Soon she discovered the handle to the silverware drawer.  She strained forward til she managed to pull the drawer open.  My what a treasure chest!  I watched her to make sure she didn't pull out anything that might hurt her.  She first extracted the plastic set of measuring spoons to chew, then a beater, then some tongs.  She thought drawer opening and digging was great fun.  I was able to finish the entire stack of dishes while she remained entertained.

Remote Control Chores or Drill Sargeant Mom?

In a previous post I enumerated what Margret's chores were when she was nine years old.  Chores were an ever evolving system for us.  I should preface this by divulging the fact that my own mother never assigned chores, nor did my dad.  My mother felt strongly that children should learn to be self-motivated.  She was very soft hearted and acquired an ability to put up with a lot of chaos.  If we didn't do the chores they pretty much didn't get done.  My dad had a lower tolerance for messiness so when he said, "Let's get this place ship shape" we all hurriedly heaved-ho and got it done.  Those of us who had a higher sensitivity to clutter were the ones who devised chore-charts and systems and experimented with any number of incentive plans. 
 
Over the years I read numerous books and tried various plans, from Side-tracked Home Executives Pam Young and Peggy Jones to the Fly-Lady Marla Cilley to I Didn't Plan to Be A Witch  Linda Eyre and more, many more.  The picture book The Country Bunny and the Little Gold Shoes by Du Bose Heyward was particularly inspiring.  One thing I was sure about--my children would not be paid to do chores.  For one thing, we didn't have extra money to do that and for another, it felt artificial. 

About the time I made the post about Margret's chores I had recently attended a workshop at a homeschool convention and bought their book "I Wear an Apron and I'm Not Ashamed" or "Make Your Children Self Cleaning Like Your Oven" by Dave Platt (in 1991 he was in Centerville, UT 84014 P.O. box 399 801-299-1344).  We very loosly applied his suggestions (most significantly #7), which follow...

He says "Whatever level of cleanliness that is acceptable to the individual who has the ability to hire or fire or withhold privileges, is the level of cleanliness that will be achieved." and "Any acceptable Level is okay--I personally feel that a fairly low level is best...."

He goes on, "A family is not a democracy. Eventually someone has to have the final say, and that someone had better be an adult, or everyone is in trouble."

His tip #1: "Every individual must have their own alarm clock." Why?

• each person is responsible for their own wake up time
• each person is responsible for their own appointments 
• each person is responsible for doing their assigned chores or suffer the consequences of loss of privileges
• if you're unwilling to enforce the loss of privileges every single time chores are not done, successful shared household organization will not be achieved
• a ball game or a fun activity that they really wanted to attend which they actually missed because their personal chores were not done will do more than any threat or nagging could possible achieve.

(aside from me-- I used to wait until my kids wanted to do something, go somewhere, have something and then I would say "I'd be happy to, just as soon as you..." and they would have the task done in a fraction of the time it would have taken had I nagged earlier. It also always made me look like the good guy and it worked well in front of friends, too).

His tip #2: Nothing is more important than household chores and individual job assignments. (Your priorities will not be their priorities, but YOU are in charge.)

• not football, soccer, basketball, baseball, cheer leading, practice or games, not school or church, not friends or activities, not eating breakfast, lunch, dinner or homework. Nothing is an excuse for not doing household jobs. If any excuse will work, one will be found, and it will be used constantly.
• children will not love you more if you let them off the hook; in fact the reverse will be true

(aside from me: My mom let church be the most important thing. I asked one sister years after we'd grown up what I could have done to get her to help. She said, "You couldn't have done anything, but mom could have kept me home from a church function." You see, church functions were our social life. They were also an escape from home. To be excused from being a vital (cheerful) part of a functioning household is demoralizing.)

 His tip #3: Every single thing must have an exact place. 

• everything that you own must have a permanent exact place, a place where it is kept and returned to when it has been used. 
• if you can't find an exact place for everything, you must de-junk.

(aside from me: My dad would always say, "A place for everything and everything in its place".  If only we'd followed those simple directions.)

The "Half-hour-a-day Three Plastic Garbage Bag" Cure

Bag #1 is for throw-away

Bag #2 is for give-away

Bag #3 is for put away.

• Begin by placing all items that do not belong in the area in one of the three bags. Follow through and inform everyone of the exact permanent place for items in bag #3. Now for some fun.
• For those items without a permanent place that are still in Bag #3, get three empty orange boxes (or paper ream boxes) with lids. Write a large #1 on the side of the lide of the first box, and #2 on the next and so on. List each item you place in box #1 on a 3x5 file card and then place card #1 in a card file box. Continue with #2 & #3. Stack the boxes in your storage area so you can read the #'s on each box.
• Work your way through the house one room, one closet, one cupboard, one drawer at a time.

His tip #4: Every single surface must be one person's responsibility.

• if a chore is everyone's responsibility, no one will do it
• if two people have the same job it's always the other person who hasn't done their share
• each bedroom is the responsibility of the occupants. Remember each surface is still one person's responsibility.

His tip #5: Job assignments--Every person must know exactly what their responsibilities are

• His example scenario: "No one is going anywhere until this house is clean!" Everyone sits down. You'll hear, "I'm not working until she's working." Everyone will then work at the slowest person's speed, constantly checking to make sure they're not doing more than their fair share.
• He then explains, "when everyone knows exactly what their personally assigned chores are and knows that when they are done and that they are then free to do their own thing, this problem is eliminated. This makes it possible for them to work independently and at their own speed without worrying that they are working while the other kids are playing."

Now his strategy:

• give every household member a number
• list all the chores that need to be accomplished in order for your home to run successfully. (an interesting thing to do at this time is to list everything that is being done around the house and then see who is currently doing all these jobs. If it's all one person something is wrong.)
• list any and all jobs that you can possibly think of with which you would like assistance around the house no matter what that job is and give it a letter of the alphabet. If it needs doing, give it a letter. (include everything--car care, garage, yard, tending children so mom can have some "mom time", errands).
• assign each chore to one person's number, try to select chores people like to do but regardless, assign all chores.
• do not be concerned if some have more chores than others. Consider abilities, age, and your personal decisions.

His tip #6: Rotate total kitchen responsibility daily, in addition to regular assigned chores
(He elaborates on how they used to divide up all the meal tasks between available people and what that produced. He said doing it the tip#6 way

• creates a special time for each child to have one-on-one time with the parent. Everyone else is banned and only that child allowed in. This becomes their special time to talk while food is being prepared. If done right, you not only teach skills but build a life-long relationship.
• the same individual helps prepare meals, sets table, cleans table, washes dishes, puts away dishes, sweeps floor, wipes counters 
• every body esle relaxes and can actually sit around the table and talk because they aren't trying to escape 
• if the kitchen jobs are not done satidfactorily, the same individual gets another turn the next day

He says, "I actually had this conversation with my 14-yr-old son at 10:30pm. As I was fixing a sandwich, he came into the kitchen and said, "Dad, make sure you wipe off the counter top, wash that knife, put away the bread, and close the cupboard doors behind you."

His tip #7: Basically DO NOT CHANGE JOBS.

His tip #8: The person who truly is IN CHARGE, who SETS the ACCEPTABLE level, must be able to TEACH EXACTLY how to clean to that level.

His tip #9: Have an exact time that the whole house must be brought up to the acceptable level.

His tip #10: Teach individual surface cleaning techniques, meaning

• do NOT teach bathroom cleaning, living room cleaning, etc 
• teach painted walls cleaning, wood work cleaning, carpet care and spot removal, ceramic tile cleaning, glass, stainless steel, toilet, tub, shower, etc.

His tip #11: Have the tools and equipment to do the job. He recommends buying your products from a janitorial supply outlet

His tip #12: Make yourself a cleaning kit. He lists seven products and says to

• place all these things in a carrying case and make it accessible to all.  
• teach every individual exactly how to use every item in the kit
• knowing how to use an alkaline cleaner, an acid cleaner, and a solvent cleaner will enable them to clean every surface they are responsible for.

 Seven pages of cleaning instructions follow. He concludes with a quote written in sanskrit 4500 years ago.

 Salutation to the Dawn

 Look well to this "one day"

 for it and it alone is life.

 In the brief course of this "one day"

 lies all the truth and reality

 of your future existence,

 The pride of growth, the glory of action,

 the splendor of beauty.

 Yesterday is only a dream and tomorrow

 is but a vision.

 Yet each "one day" well lived,

 makes every yesterday a dream of happiness

 and each tomorrow a vision of hope.

 Look well therefore to this "one day"

 for it and it alone is life!

Another excellent book is Leadership Education: The Phases of Learning by Oliver and Rachel DeMille? It is SO GOOD!

I noticed that when my children asked for my100% attention during school hours that this was actually what I wanted.  However, there is so much they can and should do on their own that I found it would work better for them if they got to EARN my attention (playfully on my part and cheerfully on theirs). I always had to add "cheerfully" with my girls. What I'm doing outside their education is also very important. I hope I'm being a good role model. I may be striving for some kind of "balance" but I don't think balance exists in a practical sense.

My goal was always to avoid being the "shouting drill sargeant" mom. Really. I have a very good friend who has a home-schooling aunt who was just that and so home-schooling always conjures up that image for her. Of course, public school creates "shouting drill sargeant" moms, too. The only thing worse would be "shouting drill sargeant" children. Ha ha.