The Happiness Machine Project

Monday July 15, 1996           Margret is 9 years old

Dear Margret,

I am so impressed that you are writing in your journal.  You are very descriptive and your entries are interesting to read.

You have been reading a lot this summer-- for the library Summer Reading Club.  You have read lots of books by Utah authors (you get special prizes for these, as it is the State's centennial).  One was by you Uncle (Mark Mitchell).

You are a wonderful helper with Lark.  (who was three years old at this time).

You now share the green bedroom with Laura and Jasmine.  (who were twelve and eleven years old at this time).

You got new shoes Saturday.  You chose some boots to be like Samantha.  (the American Girl doll).  You were size 7!  The boots cost only $6.99!

You gave a family presentation last week on a V.I.P. (Very Important Prophet).  You chose Joseph Smith.  You read several books and stories about him.  I was so impressed with your enthusiasm, your preparation, and your presentation.

You like playing dress-ups and watching videos.  You like helping in the yard.  And sometimes you even like helping inside!

Your regular jobs are to put away nightgowns, underwear, and socks.  You load the dishwasher with dishes, also unload the same and set the table the same.  (Trina does silverware and Jasmine does serving dishes and you help Lark do the glasses).  You also fill the shoe-tree and make your bed and put away hair things in the bathroom.

We have been reading outloud a book called Dandelion Wine by Ray Bradbury where a man builds a happiness machine.  What would you put in a happiness machine?

A Typical Sunday

Sunday, July 7, 1996         Margret is 9 years old  (her spelling and punctuation)...

today was a nice day
I had fun first I woke
 up ate breakfast and went
 got dressed
 went to church it sounds
like a normal day its
 nice and sunny schools
 out I'm having a great
 time already at church
 it was fun singing learning
 the lessons there was.
 when we got home
 it was nice to kick off
your shoes and strech
 we had a nice chat
 about how we behaved
 family needs that stuff
 I saw pheasants out
 back in the horse pasture
 night came quickly

we are writing in our journal like I'm
writing in you!

A Note from "Marmee" about our Sundays...

First, you'll notice she made that entry on the first Sunday of the month, she is nine years old, and she ate breakfast.  By way of explanation, in our church the first Sunday of the month is set aside as a day of fasting and prayer.  We are asked to fast two consecutive meals (food and drink) and contribute the amount we would have spent  as a "fast offering". Children qualify to be baptised in our church at the age of eight, having reached an age of accountability.  Our doctrine states that children are not accountable for their choices before the age of eight and so are held as without sin. 

 Having experienced gestational diabetes myself I came to know first hand what it is to have a blood sugar crash.  Children are incapable of recognizing blood sugar drops if they have no point of reference and if they have no idea about their physical bodies.  Children are less able to describe symptoms and adults frequently brush them aside as whining or complaining.  Children are growing rapidly, generally have less body mass, and have no concept of "preparing for a fast".  For these reasons I feel very strongly that children should not be expected to fast before the age of eight and that after the age of eight it should be by their own choice-- even with teenagers.  Enough said about that.

When I was young my mother would take me and my sisters to church.  We were often ill behaved.  A thoughtful and more experienced member of the  church suggested to my mother that she could hold a practice hour of church at home with us.  This my mother did.  I have no recollection of this but she assured me it helped.

I found myself now to be in my mother's shoes.   By this time I had five children, ages four to twelve.  Many are the times I lugged any number of "quiet distractions" to church to use to "entertain" the children through the hour of church.  Yet, more often than not there was a hub-bub of some kind, dropped toys and spilled snacks, at the very least.    I well recall one mortifying Sunday when I carted my then-three-year-old out and her saying for all to hear, "You're not going to spank me are you?"  There was a unanimous chuckle as we exited.  (If my children were ever spanked it was only one swat).

Over time and many experiments we learned that...

1. You don't need to "entertain" children through an hour of church, which means...
2. You don't need "quiet books" (which are only effective when they are a novelty anyway) or a bag full of toys
3. Children can and will sit quietly through opening exercises (the hymn, prayer, and announcements) if this is expected of them.  While walking or driving to church take the opportunity to rehearse what is expected and why, if necessary.  You can use the old, "Where are we going/how do we behave while/what should happen if we don't (they suggest solutions)" method.  You can also use the family name and family honor method.  "A (your family name) shows respect by...".
4. Children can and will sit quietly through the passing of the sacrament when it is presented to them as an opportunity (their eternal souls are not at peril if it is denied them).  This means that they sit up straight (not leaning against you or on your lap) as soon as they are able and that they sit quietly.  I only had to deny one of my children the sacrament once over all the years we expected this behavior.  It is amazing how motivating a little piece of bread and a little sip of water can be for motivating good behavior!
5. Children can and will sit quietly through the remaining forty-five minutes of church with only a piece of paper and some pens.  They decorate the paper program, an envelope, or any piece of paper.  They do not need books, coloring books, or electronic devices.  It's nice to have several pens of different colors, twist-up crayons, or colored pencils.  As they become teens they graduate to having a church journal in hand and take notes, if they are so inclined.  If a parent demonstrates a good example they will follow.
6. Children can and will attend church BY THEIR OWN CHOICE if this is handled diplomatically.  Even very young children who are reluctant EVERY WEEK to attend can be nudged step-by-little-step to attend willingly.  Be honest with them by asking if they want you to be the best parent you can possibly be. (Yes).  Explain to them that you feel immense help in being a better parent when you attend church and that the Holy Ghost helps this happen.  Express your gratitude for church.  (None of this makes any apparent difference in their Sunday morning behavior but it goes into their mental processes).  Suggest they get into their Sunday clothes "just in case".  Pack a little picnic, if necessary.  I realize this is looked down on, but in my case, getting myself and all of us out the door was more possible with packing a picnic of yogurt and a pop tart, say, than wrestling breakfast into an uncooperative mouth.  A child can eat (or be spoon-fed) carefully without spills and crumbs or, at worst, can learn to clean up completely afterwards.  At the very least, the picnic can take place in the foyer.
7. Children enjoy giving feedback about their church experience.  We discovered this first through "car talks".  While driving home I asked my captive audience how they felt about such and such during church.  Often I began with the intent to point out unacceptable behavior and brainstorm how this could be eliminated or corrected.  I realized that if "dad and mom" always began or approached from this angle it could deteriorate into a "me against them" or an "us against them" scenario.  Instead we would ask, "What did you like about church?" or "What was your favorite part of church?"  Later we might ask, "Was there anything about church today that you would change if you could?"  These conversations led to "mom and dad" being as candid about their own behavior as the children were about theirs. 
8. Practice, practice, practice.  Our "car talks" would often expand into "couch talks".  This began with an invitation to experiment to see if they could sit still for forty-five minutes (replicating the "practice church" that my mom did with me and my sisters).  During "couch talks" one parent would prepare the meal while the other parent engaged the children in the same sort of conversation described in the "car talk" scenario.  The "kitchen parent" was close enough to hear and could join in the conversation.  As the children grew into teens, tweens, and upper-grade elementary the "couch talks" would often last for hours and became our favorite part of Sunday.
9. Children enjoy sharing their own testimonies of the gospel.  In fact, our children wanted so much to bear their testimonies at the podium on Fast Sundays that we insisted that only one of them do so in a meeting.  If four, five, or six of them were to do so it would absorb an unfair amount of the meeting time.  When this sort of explanation didn't work, (they still all wanted to speak), we instituted a family testimony sharing in our living room after church.  This was satisfactory to all, and even those who had born testimony at church took this extra opportunity to share tender feelings.
10. It helps if the parent enjoys church.  Forget the "checklist" and respond to the "invitation".  If your challenge is time, redefine being "on time" as being fifteen minutes early rather than when the meeting begins.  If your challenge is being engaged in the meeting, move up a few rows--even if that means sitting on the first available row.  If your challenge is boredom, begin taking notes--you will be surprised at how much council is tailor-made for you.  If your challenge is social, learn to forgive and learn to serve (that person who you thought was snubbing you may just be shy!).  If your challenge is criticism, look for the good in yourself and others and give praise, smiles, and compliments when you feel prompted to do so.  In the case of smiling, practice--and say hello!

Thank you Margret for writing in your journal at the tender age of nine.  You said that "we are writing in our journals".  It was in my heart as a mother that journal entries would be a daily family observance, with time carved out to do so.  That happened very seldom, but at least it happened on this day, and perhaps a few others.

We mothers have big intentions and fall short of them most of the time.  I maintain it is better to have the intention and fail a lot to succeed a little, than to not have the intention at all and have nothing in the end.

Eulogy for a Loved One

Sunday, May 26, 1996            Margret is 9 years old.  (her spelling and punctuation)

a bought Max

Max died last night I was very diapointed abought it at lunch we talked abought him there was alot of feelings said abought him jasmine (11) said he was like Jeses cause he had a smile all the time and he tried to help everyone he was kind and loveing I'm glad he was my great uncle max I miss him already my dad told us a story abought max it was when my dad was 12 and he went digging for geoises with max there where alot of storys told abought him I'll realy mis him.

Sunday Thoughts of an 8 Year Old

Sunday, Feb. 4, 1996                 Margret is 8 years old

Dear Margret,

You did a very good job saying a scripture on reverence today in Sunday School.

You and Lark wore matching dresses.   (Lark is 4 years old).                   Love, Mom

Margret prepared a short talk to give in church and made the following entry some time between February and April 1996 (still eight years old).  (Her spelling & punctuation)...

I like to be obeydent it's like being obeydent to heavenly father and Jeses  Jeses has commandments that we need to obey their are lots of things we should obey we need to obey these things but there is lots more to do to obey heavenly father and Jeses  I would like to read to you 1 Nephi chapter 3:7&8 read scripture  and I say these things in the name of Jeses Christ amen!!!

     "And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.
     And it came to pass that when my father had heard these words he was exceedingly glad, for he knew that I had been blessed of the Lord."