Marriage Rules according to a Just-Five-Year-Old and Lots More

I wrote this letter to my parents on Friday,May 19, 1989 at 10:10 p.m.

• me-36
• Laura had just turned 5 seven weeks ago 
• Jasmine would turn 4 in less than two weeks 
• Margret had recently turned 2 

After collapsing in exhaustion at 6pm this evening I have roused myself to a second wind--at least enough to do the dishes and write my weekly installment.

I was asked to give a Storytelling Presentation with an emphasis on visual aids at Alta High to the Child Development students. Three straight hours of story telling to three classes plus the stress (even though I enjoy this type of assignment) must have contributed to my collapse earlier this evening. The girls helped me rehearse for my presentation this morning. It was especially fun to watch Laura be the peddler in CAPS FOR SALE and Jasmine and Margret be the monkeys.

Every morning Jasmine asks, "Is it my birthday?" or "Is it my pre-school today?"

I love my early morning snuggles (brief though they be) with each of my girls as they wake-- usually Laura first and then Jasmine and then Margret.

This morning Jasmine broke our bathroom towel bar by hanging on it. Little did we know that the grotesquely ornate supports that looked like cast-off breast-plates for a Valkyrie in a Wagnerian opera were made only of PLASTIC! I can't bring myself to feel badly about it. Laura says now our house is getting to be like the old house. (We must have gone a year without a towel bar there, always hanging towels on the shower curtain rod). Hopefully this time we'll be more quick about replacing it.

Margret has developed a fear of moths--of all things. She calls them bees.

The other day we pulled the bathroom heater grate off the floor to discover what treasures might be hidden in the duct. We found a cache of pencils which Jasmine retrieved for us. (We're sure she's the one who put them there in the first place).

Laura's wish this evening was, "I want to be with an adult and do what adults do." She also wants us to have love in our house. I finally told her she could go to bed happy on her own or she could go to bed sad because at 10p.m. I was going to stick with our house-rule and ignore her. (This treatment is supposed to begin at 8). She went to bed. I had been wondering where she'd gotten HER energy as she hadn't had a nap and has been up since 6:30. Sigh.

This morning I overheard Laura say to Jasmine at the breakfast table, "We're going to have to have a talk about marriage. Girls don't marry girls." To which Jasmine replied, "But Angela wants to marry me." The other day Jasmine walked to preschool with her 'boyfriend' Eric. (I'll admit to immense motherly amusement and tenderness as I trailed them pushing Margret in the stroller watching them hold hands). Jasmine said, "I'm going to marry you Eric." To which he replied, "Boys don't get married when they grow up-- only girls do." Which would make it perfectly logical to a three-year-old that she could marry Angela.

All about me are strewn evidences of children. My sponge-capped dispenser of transparent glue is hopelessly petrified. Books with movable parts left within reach of children have felt the sting of curious hands. Pools of milk have been wiped from the table and out of hair. At some point I must sigh and admit to either a distressing lapse in enforcing manners or keeping things out of reach OR discover that some things really DON'T matter and that children really DO need to explore and discover and can be gently prompted to absorb values. This afternoon Jasmine got to wipe off the fridge her magnificent swipe of blue crayon with just a little help from mom and dad.

Often on Mondays I try to run errands while Jasmine is at preschool. (That way I have only two children to encumber me). This Monday I wanted to get some pictures framed, go to the copy center, and visit my sisters-in law. I decided, "Business before pleasure" so meant to go to the frame shop first. But my car took the wrong exit--I was on my way to Gaylene's! To my mild expletive, "Shucks," Laura wanted to know what was wrong. I explained I'd taken the wrong exit. She replied, "Oh well, things hardly ever go as planned." This struck me as funny coming from a five year old. I asked who had told her that.  She said, "Dad says it sometimes." As it was, I was glad I'd missed the exit.

Every week when I close my letter I think of a dozen other episodes I could have / should have related. But at least you get a peek into this much of our every-days and at some futre date I can peek back at them.

Treasures in a Drawer for a Little Helper

October 28, 1984           Laura is 7 months old

Some friends came to supper.  It was a good supper--roast beef cooked in the slow cooker making it remarkably tender, mashed potatoes, gravy, etc.  But it resulted in quite a stack of dishes.

Laura preferred not to remain in the living room alone so I strapped her in the high chair and set her beside me to watch.  Soon she discovered the handle to the silverware drawer.  She strained forward til she managed to pull the drawer open.  My what a treasure chest!  I watched her to make sure she didn't pull out anything that might hurt her.  She first extracted the plastic set of measuring spoons to chew, then a beater, then some tongs.  She thought drawer opening and digging was great fun.  I was able to finish the entire stack of dishes while she remained entertained.

Remote Control Chores or Drill Sargeant Mom?

In a previous post I enumerated what Margret's chores were when she was nine years old.  Chores were an ever evolving system for us.  I should preface this by divulging the fact that my own mother never assigned chores, nor did my dad.  My mother felt strongly that children should learn to be self-motivated.  She was very soft hearted and acquired an ability to put up with a lot of chaos.  If we didn't do the chores they pretty much didn't get done.  My dad had a lower tolerance for messiness so when he said, "Let's get this place ship shape" we all hurriedly heaved-ho and got it done.  Those of us who had a higher sensitivity to clutter were the ones who devised chore-charts and systems and experimented with any number of incentive plans. 
 
Over the years I read numerous books and tried various plans, from Side-tracked Home Executives Pam Young and Peggy Jones to the Fly-Lady Marla Cilley to I Didn't Plan to Be A Witch  Linda Eyre and more, many more.  The picture book The Country Bunny and the Little Gold Shoes by Du Bose Heyward was particularly inspiring.  One thing I was sure about--my children would not be paid to do chores.  For one thing, we didn't have extra money to do that and for another, it felt artificial. 

About the time I made the post about Margret's chores I had recently attended a workshop at a homeschool convention and bought their book "I Wear an Apron and I'm Not Ashamed" or "Make Your Children Self Cleaning Like Your Oven" by Dave Platt (in 1991 he was in Centerville, UT 84014 P.O. box 399 801-299-1344).  We very loosly applied his suggestions (most significantly #7), which follow...

He says "Whatever level of cleanliness that is acceptable to the individual who has the ability to hire or fire or withhold privileges, is the level of cleanliness that will be achieved." and "Any acceptable Level is okay--I personally feel that a fairly low level is best...."

He goes on, "A family is not a democracy. Eventually someone has to have the final say, and that someone had better be an adult, or everyone is in trouble."

His tip #1: "Every individual must have their own alarm clock." Why?

• each person is responsible for their own wake up time
• each person is responsible for their own appointments 
• each person is responsible for doing their assigned chores or suffer the consequences of loss of privileges
• if you're unwilling to enforce the loss of privileges every single time chores are not done, successful shared household organization will not be achieved
• a ball game or a fun activity that they really wanted to attend which they actually missed because their personal chores were not done will do more than any threat or nagging could possible achieve.

(aside from me-- I used to wait until my kids wanted to do something, go somewhere, have something and then I would say "I'd be happy to, just as soon as you..." and they would have the task done in a fraction of the time it would have taken had I nagged earlier. It also always made me look like the good guy and it worked well in front of friends, too).

His tip #2: Nothing is more important than household chores and individual job assignments. (Your priorities will not be their priorities, but YOU are in charge.)

• not football, soccer, basketball, baseball, cheer leading, practice or games, not school or church, not friends or activities, not eating breakfast, lunch, dinner or homework. Nothing is an excuse for not doing household jobs. If any excuse will work, one will be found, and it will be used constantly.
• children will not love you more if you let them off the hook; in fact the reverse will be true

(aside from me: My mom let church be the most important thing. I asked one sister years after we'd grown up what I could have done to get her to help. She said, "You couldn't have done anything, but mom could have kept me home from a church function." You see, church functions were our social life. They were also an escape from home. To be excused from being a vital (cheerful) part of a functioning household is demoralizing.)

 His tip #3: Every single thing must have an exact place. 

• everything that you own must have a permanent exact place, a place where it is kept and returned to when it has been used. 
• if you can't find an exact place for everything, you must de-junk.

(aside from me: My dad would always say, "A place for everything and everything in its place".  If only we'd followed those simple directions.)

The "Half-hour-a-day Three Plastic Garbage Bag" Cure

Bag #1 is for throw-away

Bag #2 is for give-away

Bag #3 is for put away.

• Begin by placing all items that do not belong in the area in one of the three bags. Follow through and inform everyone of the exact permanent place for items in bag #3. Now for some fun.
• For those items without a permanent place that are still in Bag #3, get three empty orange boxes (or paper ream boxes) with lids. Write a large #1 on the side of the lide of the first box, and #2 on the next and so on. List each item you place in box #1 on a 3x5 file card and then place card #1 in a card file box. Continue with #2 & #3. Stack the boxes in your storage area so you can read the #'s on each box.
• Work your way through the house one room, one closet, one cupboard, one drawer at a time.

His tip #4: Every single surface must be one person's responsibility.

• if a chore is everyone's responsibility, no one will do it
• if two people have the same job it's always the other person who hasn't done their share
• each bedroom is the responsibility of the occupants. Remember each surface is still one person's responsibility.

His tip #5: Job assignments--Every person must know exactly what their responsibilities are

• His example scenario: "No one is going anywhere until this house is clean!" Everyone sits down. You'll hear, "I'm not working until she's working." Everyone will then work at the slowest person's speed, constantly checking to make sure they're not doing more than their fair share.
• He then explains, "when everyone knows exactly what their personally assigned chores are and knows that when they are done and that they are then free to do their own thing, this problem is eliminated. This makes it possible for them to work independently and at their own speed without worrying that they are working while the other kids are playing."

Now his strategy:

• give every household member a number
• list all the chores that need to be accomplished in order for your home to run successfully. (an interesting thing to do at this time is to list everything that is being done around the house and then see who is currently doing all these jobs. If it's all one person something is wrong.)
• list any and all jobs that you can possibly think of with which you would like assistance around the house no matter what that job is and give it a letter of the alphabet. If it needs doing, give it a letter. (include everything--car care, garage, yard, tending children so mom can have some "mom time", errands).
• assign each chore to one person's number, try to select chores people like to do but regardless, assign all chores.
• do not be concerned if some have more chores than others. Consider abilities, age, and your personal decisions.

His tip #6: Rotate total kitchen responsibility daily, in addition to regular assigned chores
(He elaborates on how they used to divide up all the meal tasks between available people and what that produced. He said doing it the tip#6 way

• creates a special time for each child to have one-on-one time with the parent. Everyone else is banned and only that child allowed in. This becomes their special time to talk while food is being prepared. If done right, you not only teach skills but build a life-long relationship.
• the same individual helps prepare meals, sets table, cleans table, washes dishes, puts away dishes, sweeps floor, wipes counters 
• every body esle relaxes and can actually sit around the table and talk because they aren't trying to escape 
• if the kitchen jobs are not done satidfactorily, the same individual gets another turn the next day

He says, "I actually had this conversation with my 14-yr-old son at 10:30pm. As I was fixing a sandwich, he came into the kitchen and said, "Dad, make sure you wipe off the counter top, wash that knife, put away the bread, and close the cupboard doors behind you."

His tip #7: Basically DO NOT CHANGE JOBS.

His tip #8: The person who truly is IN CHARGE, who SETS the ACCEPTABLE level, must be able to TEACH EXACTLY how to clean to that level.

His tip #9: Have an exact time that the whole house must be brought up to the acceptable level.

His tip #10: Teach individual surface cleaning techniques, meaning

• do NOT teach bathroom cleaning, living room cleaning, etc 
• teach painted walls cleaning, wood work cleaning, carpet care and spot removal, ceramic tile cleaning, glass, stainless steel, toilet, tub, shower, etc.

His tip #11: Have the tools and equipment to do the job. He recommends buying your products from a janitorial supply outlet

His tip #12: Make yourself a cleaning kit. He lists seven products and says to

• place all these things in a carrying case and make it accessible to all.  
• teach every individual exactly how to use every item in the kit
• knowing how to use an alkaline cleaner, an acid cleaner, and a solvent cleaner will enable them to clean every surface they are responsible for.

 Seven pages of cleaning instructions follow. He concludes with a quote written in sanskrit 4500 years ago.

 Salutation to the Dawn

 Look well to this "one day"

 for it and it alone is life.

 In the brief course of this "one day"

 lies all the truth and reality

 of your future existence,

 The pride of growth, the glory of action,

 the splendor of beauty.

 Yesterday is only a dream and tomorrow

 is but a vision.

 Yet each "one day" well lived,

 makes every yesterday a dream of happiness

 and each tomorrow a vision of hope.

 Look well therefore to this "one day"

 for it and it alone is life!

Another excellent book is Leadership Education: The Phases of Learning by Oliver and Rachel DeMille? It is SO GOOD!

I noticed that when my children asked for my100% attention during school hours that this was actually what I wanted.  However, there is so much they can and should do on their own that I found it would work better for them if they got to EARN my attention (playfully on my part and cheerfully on theirs). I always had to add "cheerfully" with my girls. What I'm doing outside their education is also very important. I hope I'm being a good role model. I may be striving for some kind of "balance" but I don't think balance exists in a practical sense.

My goal was always to avoid being the "shouting drill sargeant" mom. Really. I have a very good friend who has a home-schooling aunt who was just that and so home-schooling always conjures up that image for her. Of course, public school creates "shouting drill sargeant" moms, too. The only thing worse would be "shouting drill sargeant" children. Ha ha.

The Happiness Machine Project

Monday July 15, 1996           Margret is 9 years old

Dear Margret,

I am so impressed that you are writing in your journal.  You are very descriptive and your entries are interesting to read.

You have been reading a lot this summer-- for the library Summer Reading Club.  You have read lots of books by Utah authors (you get special prizes for these, as it is the State's centennial).  One was by you Uncle (Mark Mitchell).

You are a wonderful helper with Lark.  (who was three years old at this time).

You now share the green bedroom with Laura and Jasmine.  (who were twelve and eleven years old at this time).

You got new shoes Saturday.  You chose some boots to be like Samantha.  (the American Girl doll).  You were size 7!  The boots cost only $6.99!

You gave a family presentation last week on a V.I.P. (Very Important Prophet).  You chose Joseph Smith.  You read several books and stories about him.  I was so impressed with your enthusiasm, your preparation, and your presentation.

You like playing dress-ups and watching videos.  You like helping in the yard.  And sometimes you even like helping inside!

Your regular jobs are to put away nightgowns, underwear, and socks.  You load the dishwasher with dishes, also unload the same and set the table the same.  (Trina does silverware and Jasmine does serving dishes and you help Lark do the glasses).  You also fill the shoe-tree and make your bed and put away hair things in the bathroom.

We have been reading outloud a book called Dandelion Wine by Ray Bradbury where a man builds a happiness machine.  What would you put in a happiness machine?

A Typical Sunday

Sunday, July 7, 1996         Margret is 9 years old  (her spelling and punctuation)...

today was a nice day
I had fun first I woke
 up ate breakfast and went
 got dressed
 went to church it sounds
like a normal day its
 nice and sunny schools
 out I'm having a great
 time already at church
 it was fun singing learning
 the lessons there was.
 when we got home
 it was nice to kick off
your shoes and strech
 we had a nice chat
 about how we behaved
 family needs that stuff
 I saw pheasants out
 back in the horse pasture
 night came quickly

we are writing in our journal like I'm
writing in you!

A Note from "Marmee" about our Sundays...

First, you'll notice she made that entry on the first Sunday of the month, she is nine years old, and she ate breakfast.  By way of explanation, in our church the first Sunday of the month is set aside as a day of fasting and prayer.  We are asked to fast two consecutive meals (food and drink) and contribute the amount we would have spent  as a "fast offering". Children qualify to be baptised in our church at the age of eight, having reached an age of accountability.  Our doctrine states that children are not accountable for their choices before the age of eight and so are held as without sin. 

 Having experienced gestational diabetes myself I came to know first hand what it is to have a blood sugar crash.  Children are incapable of recognizing blood sugar drops if they have no point of reference and if they have no idea about their physical bodies.  Children are less able to describe symptoms and adults frequently brush them aside as whining or complaining.  Children are growing rapidly, generally have less body mass, and have no concept of "preparing for a fast".  For these reasons I feel very strongly that children should not be expected to fast before the age of eight and that after the age of eight it should be by their own choice-- even with teenagers.  Enough said about that.

When I was young my mother would take me and my sisters to church.  We were often ill behaved.  A thoughtful and more experienced member of the  church suggested to my mother that she could hold a practice hour of church at home with us.  This my mother did.  I have no recollection of this but she assured me it helped.

I found myself now to be in my mother's shoes.   By this time I had five children, ages four to twelve.  Many are the times I lugged any number of "quiet distractions" to church to use to "entertain" the children through the hour of church.  Yet, more often than not there was a hub-bub of some kind, dropped toys and spilled snacks, at the very least.    I well recall one mortifying Sunday when I carted my then-three-year-old out and her saying for all to hear, "You're not going to spank me are you?"  There was a unanimous chuckle as we exited.  (If my children were ever spanked it was only one swat).

Over time and many experiments we learned that...

1. You don't need to "entertain" children through an hour of church, which means...
2. You don't need "quiet books" (which are only effective when they are a novelty anyway) or a bag full of toys
3. Children can and will sit quietly through opening exercises (the hymn, prayer, and announcements) if this is expected of them.  While walking or driving to church take the opportunity to rehearse what is expected and why, if necessary.  You can use the old, "Where are we going/how do we behave while/what should happen if we don't (they suggest solutions)" method.  You can also use the family name and family honor method.  "A (your family name) shows respect by...".
4. Children can and will sit quietly through the passing of the sacrament when it is presented to them as an opportunity (their eternal souls are not at peril if it is denied them).  This means that they sit up straight (not leaning against you or on your lap) as soon as they are able and that they sit quietly.  I only had to deny one of my children the sacrament once over all the years we expected this behavior.  It is amazing how motivating a little piece of bread and a little sip of water can be for motivating good behavior!
5. Children can and will sit quietly through the remaining forty-five minutes of church with only a piece of paper and some pens.  They decorate the paper program, an envelope, or any piece of paper.  They do not need books, coloring books, or electronic devices.  It's nice to have several pens of different colors, twist-up crayons, or colored pencils.  As they become teens they graduate to having a church journal in hand and take notes, if they are so inclined.  If a parent demonstrates a good example they will follow.
6. Children can and will attend church BY THEIR OWN CHOICE if this is handled diplomatically.  Even very young children who are reluctant EVERY WEEK to attend can be nudged step-by-little-step to attend willingly.  Be honest with them by asking if they want you to be the best parent you can possibly be. (Yes).  Explain to them that you feel immense help in being a better parent when you attend church and that the Holy Ghost helps this happen.  Express your gratitude for church.  (None of this makes any apparent difference in their Sunday morning behavior but it goes into their mental processes).  Suggest they get into their Sunday clothes "just in case".  Pack a little picnic, if necessary.  I realize this is looked down on, but in my case, getting myself and all of us out the door was more possible with packing a picnic of yogurt and a pop tart, say, than wrestling breakfast into an uncooperative mouth.  A child can eat (or be spoon-fed) carefully without spills and crumbs or, at worst, can learn to clean up completely afterwards.  At the very least, the picnic can take place in the foyer.
7. Children enjoy giving feedback about their church experience.  We discovered this first through "car talks".  While driving home I asked my captive audience how they felt about such and such during church.  Often I began with the intent to point out unacceptable behavior and brainstorm how this could be eliminated or corrected.  I realized that if "dad and mom" always began or approached from this angle it could deteriorate into a "me against them" or an "us against them" scenario.  Instead we would ask, "What did you like about church?" or "What was your favorite part of church?"  Later we might ask, "Was there anything about church today that you would change if you could?"  These conversations led to "mom and dad" being as candid about their own behavior as the children were about theirs. 
8. Practice, practice, practice.  Our "car talks" would often expand into "couch talks".  This began with an invitation to experiment to see if they could sit still for forty-five minutes (replicating the "practice church" that my mom did with me and my sisters).  During "couch talks" one parent would prepare the meal while the other parent engaged the children in the same sort of conversation described in the "car talk" scenario.  The "kitchen parent" was close enough to hear and could join in the conversation.  As the children grew into teens, tweens, and upper-grade elementary the "couch talks" would often last for hours and became our favorite part of Sunday.
9. Children enjoy sharing their own testimonies of the gospel.  In fact, our children wanted so much to bear their testimonies at the podium on Fast Sundays that we insisted that only one of them do so in a meeting.  If four, five, or six of them were to do so it would absorb an unfair amount of the meeting time.  When this sort of explanation didn't work, (they still all wanted to speak), we instituted a family testimony sharing in our living room after church.  This was satisfactory to all, and even those who had born testimony at church took this extra opportunity to share tender feelings.
10. It helps if the parent enjoys church.  Forget the "checklist" and respond to the "invitation".  If your challenge is time, redefine being "on time" as being fifteen minutes early rather than when the meeting begins.  If your challenge is being engaged in the meeting, move up a few rows--even if that means sitting on the first available row.  If your challenge is boredom, begin taking notes--you will be surprised at how much council is tailor-made for you.  If your challenge is social, learn to forgive and learn to serve (that person who you thought was snubbing you may just be shy!).  If your challenge is criticism, look for the good in yourself and others and give praise, smiles, and compliments when you feel prompted to do so.  In the case of smiling, practice--and say hello!

Thank you Margret for writing in your journal at the tender age of nine.  You said that "we are writing in our journals".  It was in my heart as a mother that journal entries would be a daily family observance, with time carved out to do so.  That happened very seldom, but at least it happened on this day, and perhaps a few others.

We mothers have big intentions and fall short of them most of the time.  I maintain it is better to have the intention and fail a lot to succeed a little, than to not have the intention at all and have nothing in the end.

Eulogy for a Loved One

Sunday, May 26, 1996            Margret is 9 years old.  (her spelling and punctuation)

a bought Max

Max died last night I was very diapointed abought it at lunch we talked abought him there was alot of feelings said abought him jasmine (11) said he was like Jeses cause he had a smile all the time and he tried to help everyone he was kind and loveing I'm glad he was my great uncle max I miss him already my dad told us a story abought max it was when my dad was 12 and he went digging for geoises with max there where alot of storys told abought him I'll realy mis him.

Sunday Thoughts of an 8 Year Old

Sunday, Feb. 4, 1996                 Margret is 8 years old

Dear Margret,

You did a very good job saying a scripture on reverence today in Sunday School.

You and Lark wore matching dresses.   (Lark is 4 years old).                   Love, Mom

Margret prepared a short talk to give in church and made the following entry some time between February and April 1996 (still eight years old).  (Her spelling & punctuation)...

I like to be obeydent it's like being obeydent to heavenly father and Jeses  Jeses has commandments that we need to obey their are lots of things we should obey we need to obey these things but there is lots more to do to obey heavenly father and Jeses  I would like to read to you 1 Nephi chapter 3:7&8 read scripture  and I say these things in the name of Jeses Christ amen!!!

     "And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.
     And it came to pass that when my father had heard these words he was exceedingly glad, for he knew that I had been blessed of the Lord."

Crime and Punishment a`la 8-yr-old

Sunday, Nov. 19, 1995                Margret is 8 years old

Dear Margret,

I was very disappointed to hear that you and Jasmine took Trina's money to spend at the David Gourley Craft Fair.

When you become old enough to attend the temple one of the questions you will be asked before you can go is, "Are you honest in your dealings with your fellow man?"  That means being honest with everyone all the time.  It's a lot easier if you begin now.

Love, Mom

P.S.  I'm sorry for whacking your bottom (once) with a book.  I must try harder to be more polite with you.

You are very precious to me and I hope we can stay friends.

A Little "Bit" of Energy

Wednesday, August 30, 1995          Margret is 8 years old and  beginning second grade...

Dear Margret,

You are excited about the beginning of school.  On the second day you were ready to leave by 7:30 a.m.  Dad said we should put a bit in your mouth and a rein (like a horse) to use your energy.  We kept you busy til 8:15 a.m..

You fell asleep in the chair at 8 p.m. last night -- before your piano lesson turn.  You played at a friend's house yesterday afternoon.

(At this time Margret's Aunt Karen came to our house to give all her nieces piano lessons).

September 23, 1995            Sunday

Dear Margret,

Now that school has started and I am working full time and driving to Springville every day (an hour each way) I don't get to see you very much.  I miss you.   Love, Mom

On Being Ignored...

The thing about being a parent is there are no dress rehearsals.  For better or for worse we blunder along. 
Children are amazingly patient and long-suffering and, well, you decide...

Mom to 8 yr. old daughter:  Have you ever had a friend who ignored you?

Daughter:  Yes.

Mom:  Who?

Daughter:  (friend's name)

Mom:  How do you feel when she ignores you?

Daughter:  Like she doesn't care about me.

Mom:  How else does it make you feel?

Daughter:  Awful.

Mom:  Why?

Daughter:  Because I feel she doesn't like me or think about me.

Mom:  What does it make you want to do?

Daughter:  Cry.

Mom:  What else?

Daughter:  I feel like gatting her back and ignoring her or telling a grownup how I feel.  One time when she ignored me I left.

Mom:  Have you ever ignored anyone?

Daughter:  Yes.

Mom:  Who?

Daughter:  My parents.

Mom:  How do you think it makes us feel?

Daughter:  Mad.  Like I don't love you.

Mom:  Why is it important not to ignore people?

Daughter:  So they don't feel bad, sad, or left out.

Mom:  Could it hurt you?

Daughter:  Yes.

Mom:  How?

Daughter:  By making you have a cold feeling inside--that it wasn't the right thing.

Mom:  How can you train yourself not to ignore your parents?

Daughter:  That's a hard one.

Mom:  What could you say?

Daughter:  Yes Mom or Yes Dad.

Mom:  What about looking at us?

Daughter:  I'd do that.

Mom:  How are you going to reward yourself?  How about a card that we punch?

Daughter:  And every time we get 10 we get to choose dinner.

Mom:  And if you ignore again we start all over.

A Thank you note to an eight-year-old

Wednesday, August 9, 1995           Margret is 8 years old.

Dear Margret,

Thank you for clearing and wiping the table last night before going to bed.  It makes such a difference to have uncomplaining help and cooperation.

Your piano practice is helping you sound much better, much more confident as you play.

Thank you for trying not to whine and for coming up with positive solutions to your problems.

Love, Mom.

Confessions of a "Non-Outdoorsy" Mom

I'll begin this post with my Goodreads review of The Green Hour by Todd Christopher.
The Green Hour by Todd Christopher
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
I gave this five stars because I am super supportive of the ideas shared in this book! The author is the creator of the GreenHour.org website. The author references The Last Child in the Woods (2005)by Richard Louv who coins the term "nature-deficit disorder".

In his introduction (well worth reading), Christopher reports that the annual dollars spent on marketing to today's media-prone children has increased from $100 million twenty-five years ago to $17 billion today. He observes, "the signal-to-noise ratio for today's kids is pretty bad...". The by-product of this is, "the sense of wonder that seems to be first to go."

Christopher sites studies that have found that "green outdoor settings appear to reduce ADHD symptoms in children; even in individuals not diagnosed with an attention disorder, time in nature had the effect of reducing ADHD-like symptoms such as inattention and impulsivity."

The first chapter is devoted to the ideas of the "importance of free time" and "tips for reclaiming free time", the "benefits of less media" and "tips for unplugging your family", the "joys of discovering nature together" and "tips for enjoyable outings".

Further chapters engage spaces as diverse as your own backyard to hiking and camping and star-gazing, whatever the weather!

Now for my confession... I don't consider myself an "Outdoorsy" kind of person.  Not only that, I have been a full-time working-outside-the-home mom for most of my children's lives.  I tried to replicate for my children my childhood years of living in a small town where I could bike anywhere I wanted to go and spend most of my out-of-school hours outdoors having adventures.  But today's spaces are different than those of yester-year due to the ever-present fear of kidnappings and increased traffic and smaller yards and so forth.  I even confess to using screen-time as my free-time which I used to prepare meals, fold laundry, and such.

One day I chose the hymn "God is Love" for our family devotional.  I wondered if my children had a "hook" for the phrases celebrating the outdoors.  I resolved to spend our family-learning-connection time going on short hikes.  I wanted them to know first-hand "Earth with her ten thousand flowers, Air, with all its beams and showers, Heaven's infinite expanse; Ocean's resplendant countenance—All around, and all above,Hath this record—God is love."

Fortunately we lived a short drive from  a canyon with many "short hiking trails" that I learned about from friends.  I worked every Saturday so I could have every Monday off while my husband, who worked out-of-town every Wed.- Sat.,  was home.  I might begin the day perusing an alumni magazine which had many articles on recent research and other noteworthy topics.  I might pose questions to my children sparked by my "breakfast reading" while we walked.  I might select non-fiction books to read aloud to my captive seat-belted audience while my husband drove us to the day's destination.  I might have selected a sound track or some other music to listen to on the drive and we might talk about the music.  We might stop at a playground and swing or we might stop at a picnic spot and enjoy a packed lunch.  Often we would sing songs I'd learned in spanish while we walked.  We took pictures.  We stopped and toured homes.  We tossed sticks in streams.  We took detours. 

We live where there are seasons so all that came to an end when winter arrived.  Other years we would take a daily twenty-minute walk to a park, dog in tow.  I might grill my children on homonyms or other tedious subjects while we walked.  They good-naturedly put up with this because, after all, we were OUTSIDE and walking.  Our youngest children were forever stopping and picking things up -- rocks, twigs, treasures.  It was ALL treasure to them.  We would get to the park and the older ones of us would jog, run, walk while the younger ones played on the equipment.  My husband and I or an older child would spell each other off standing sentry.

Another year we would all pile into the van and drive twenty minutes so our oldest child could attend an afternoon class with a friend.  Luckily my work schedule was flexible, allowing me these "splits".  I would find a nearby park and let them all out to play.  I might spend the hour with one-on-one time with one of them or I might beef up on that day's or week's family-learning-connection curriculumn topics.  I might doze away the hour.  Sometimes we just drove around and looked at houses and chatted about books we were reading.  Car-time was always captive-audience time and everyone got a chance to talk.

Another year one of the girls took horse-riding lessons.  This was a half-hour drive and a forty-minute lesson.  I might spend the time catching up on my reading.  Sometimes, when my husband could come too, there would be walks or drives or even some sledding, depending on the weather.  Often the younger siblings would explore the stables under my guarded watch.

One summer while the older children were taking swimming lessons I walked along a wooded stream path with the younger ones.  We were fortunate that this "wilderness" abutted the parking lot of the pool.

We have taken advantage of many a park.  We have walked campuses.  We have planted gardens. 

Garden and yard time is sometimes the best.  Our youngest would collect materials with which fairies might construct dwellings.  Many a morning she would be rewarded with one, two, or three "fairy houses" sprouting up amongst the landscaping.  She never wearied of lining our front steps with materials, even when the fairies ceased their building.  While I weeded we might listen to audio books or have long philosophical chats.  The girls were free to dig holes and sling mud at a fence.  We learned about snakes enough to not be heart-stoppingly alarmed should one slither past. 

For some of our children climbing trees was a must.  Sometimes in spring or summer baby birds would be tossed from their nests by the wind.  This was one part exciting and another part agonizing for our girls who eagerly adopted these little orphans. 

We didn't have air-conditioning in our home so some summer nights we would drag sleeping bags out to the yard.

You don't have to be a parent very long before you discover that stepping outside with a fussy baby will almost always distract her from crying.  (All our babies were girls).

I remember one night when the clouds were so marvelous I told all the girls to stop what they were doing and get into the van and to not ask any questions.  It was late, dark, and all was quiet.  We drove to the parking lot of the park near our home and quietly carried some ground cloths out to the middle of the grass.  We sat and looked up at the clouds, illuminated by the moon.  It was magical.

I dont' know how this would go over with boys.  Our children are all girls.  We loved all of these times.  Very seldom were we ALL present.  There are six girls, teens included.  There are so many demands on teens, whether it be classes, extra-curricular commitments, church, friends, or work.  Our time with our children is really very short.  I will never regret our "outdoors" time.

A Difficult Lesson in Honesty

August 6, 1995                  Laura is 11,  Jasmine is 10,  Margret is 8

Dear Margret,

Recently a library book was left outside-- probably for several days.  By the time it was found it had suffered enough moisture damage that we would have to pay for it.

I asked all you girls, "Who took this book outside?"  No one knew.  So I suggested that we all pay 1/4 of the cost (you, Jasmine, Laura, and me).  Everyone agreed.

Yesterday when Laura gave me $5 and Jasmine gave me $4 you told me you should pay for it all.  You told me about taking it outside to show a friend and about forgetting about it.

I said we should all pay for it anyway to help us all remember to be careful about books.

Margret, I know how difficult it was for you to tell the truth.  I am so proud of you for gathering the courage to do what you knew was the right thing.

You have taken an important step toward shaping your life to living the gospel and putting integrity first.  More important than money is honor.  You behaved honorably.  I am proud of you and happy for you. 

Love, Mom

The Worst Easter Ever

Margret has often been ill or injured on or near her birthday.  Everything from earaches to measles to broken bones.  The year she turned eight Easter was three days before her birthday and according to her it was her worst Easter ever.  

Margret reported that...

1)she was scared all night 
2)when she woke up and found everyone's Easter bags hers was the only one without a nametag attached to it.  Her name was written ON HER BAG  
3)at church her sisters got candy in their classes and she did not  
4)her shoe broke so she had to wear the shoes she was going to get as a birthday present and now they wouldn't be a surprise   
5)her big sister made fun of her in the egg hunt

As we grow older life becomes more complicated.  We have greater expectations and thus are more vulnerable to disappointment.  Parents and presents are not the key ingredient.  Who could have guessed that lack of a nametag on a bag would not be a welcome distinguishing feature and worse yet that the name would be written on the bag.

Children exist in a parallel universe to adults and even to all their siblings.  We breathe the same air, occupy the same space (more or less) and yet we have no anticipation nor comprehension of what really matters to a child.  And so the child learns to "deal".  This is a good thing.

On her birthday she received at least 26 Gifts:


Applesauce & Art
Bunnies (the plush variety) & Balloons
Corn & Clothes
Drama
Easter surprise
Fashion show & Film
Gumdrops
a Hand (clap clap clap clap)
Icecream & Cake
the King & I
Lots of Love
Money
Nightgown & New shoes
Oreos
Pen
a Quarter
Races
Skating & Samantha outfits
Tea Party
Underwear
a Very busy day
Work
X o X o X o X o
Yoyo
Zooming around

Piano Musings by an 8-yr-old

Saturday April 15, 2006                     Julia is 8 years old (nearly 9)

I'm up in my room getting ready for the day.  Downstairs Julia is plinking out on the piano the familiar song from The Sound of Music, "Do, A Deer" and as she gets to the end she sings at the top of her lungs, "that will bring us back to do!".  She does this repeatedly, intermittently inserting the tune, "Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater."  After awhile she shouts for all to hear, "those are the only two songs I know, but I play them pretty well."

I come downstairs to press my shirt.  I see she has three plush bunnies perched on the piano.  One is orange, "Carrots" (hers).  One is blue and one is yellow.  She is now into a repeat mode of "Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater."  She casually announces she is "playing it in every key."  She reaches the top of the scale and observes that "pianos should be longer."

She suggests we should relocate the piano to a more central location in the room because "music brings peace into the home and encourages conversation."

Now Julia is sorting the empty plastic eggs into categories (at my request).  The first category she selected was by size.  "Guess which pile will be the biggest," she says.  "Medium size," I reply and she confirms it was the right choice.

Trade Secret

I have a confession to make.

On one stressful day I found myself carrying one pre-school aged daughter out of  a Chuckie-Cheese Restaurant, kicking and screaming, over my shoulder like a bag of potatoes to install her in her carseat while I rushed back into the building to retrieve her younger sister from a kind bystander and do the same with her.  We made quite a scene.

Later that week I reviewed the incident with a good friend who had a child the same age as my daughter.  This friend was an only child and had just one child.  I had been the eldest of six children and was now the mother of two children.  I presumptiously thought I should know more about children than my friend due to the fact I'd had so much more exposure to them.  Ha ha!

My friend suggested to me that I "brief" my children before going out with them.  This seemed so laughably simple that I secretly doubted it would have any effect on children so young.  However, I had nothing to lose in giving it a try.

This is how it worked.  I would chat with my "captive audience" as I drove them to our destinations -- they in their carseats and me at the wheel.  "Where are we going?" I would ask.  They would tell me, "We are going to the store," or wherever it was we were going.  I would then ask, "How do we behave at the store?"  They would tell me how they thought they should behave.  If needed, we would chat about why that behavior was expected or review the expected behavior or coach about the expected behavior.  Before we disembarked from the car I would ask, "How will you know when it is time to leave?" and they would say that they would know it was time to go when I said it was time to go.  Then I would ask, "What will happen if you don't come when I say we are leaving?"  They would suggest a penalty that was so severe that I would never resort to its implementation.  I would say, "I don't think we need to do that.  Let's think of something else."  They would then suggest something so lenient that it would not serve as sufficient incentive to cooperate.  I would say, "That probably won't work.  Let's think of something else."  By now we would usually settle on something that was agreeable to us all.

It worked like magic.

Santa Logic

Dear Santa,              December 1989

I am wondering how you manage to get into homes all over the world on Christmas Eve.  There are so many stories about you and we see so many of you through the holiday season.  Do you come around on the "polar express" or on a horse or in a sleigh drawn by flying reindeer?

My daughters Laura (5) and Jasmine (4) are absolutely convinced you come down the chimney.  I tried pointing out to them that our chimney is much too narrow--and not only that, last year since we didn't have a stovepipe we pushed the stove back and set up the tree directly under the chimney AND the chimney was blocked with foam core insulation.  "HOW did Santa manage to come in without knocking the tree over," I asked.  The girls absolute faith in your ability to overcome all obstacles was undaunted.

I suggested some plausable alternatives.  "Suppose Santa is really the milkman.  He comes twice a week all year while we're still in bed.  We never see him but we know he has come because we find milk in the box.  He knows where our house is and he could have a key that works only on Christmas and come right in through the door!"

This possibility was rejected by the girls.  They wouldn't hear of it.  Then I speculated that Santa may be the mailman.  They again flatly refused to consider it.

"Then maybe Santa can walk through walls," I tried.  "No Mom," from Laura.  "He's not invisible.  You have to be invisible to walk through walls."  "Well," I try again, "maybe he's invisible while coming through the wall and turns visible again once he's inside."

At last in frustration Laura offered to draw me a picture of Santa and end the debate once and for all.

But when we finally installed a pipe from our wood-burning stove to the chimney opening and Laura could see how narrow the pipe is she conceeded that perhaps Santa indeed could come through the walls. 

Somehow or other, Santa, I know you will manage to visit our home this year.  We have been sending wishes to you all through the year via the Christmas-wish-fairy.  And it is my guess the wish-fairy has been making secret visits through the year and stashing surprises somewhere in our house to be gathered together quickly by you, Santa, on Christmas Eve.  Maybe all you will have to do is step inside, wiggle your nose, and all the gifts will be drawn together by a magical magnetism under your direction.  Who knows?

1/1/11 11:11 p.m.

I sat down at 11:11 p.m. to make this post on 1/1/11.

I've spent the day putting Christmas away and cooking and addressing and packaging my Christmas letters and Christmas cards.